This week a very good buddy of mine asked me how I’ve managed to build a positive attitude and from the coaching advice I gave him 2 or 3 key things stuck out that I thought would be worth sharing with anyone stuck in a rut.
I told my friend that I am the way I am because I believe you get more of whatever you focus most on. My friend was focusing hard on the bad things about his current role, frustrations of lack of advancement and not getting the support he felt he deserved. This had been going on for years and I felt it was time for brutal honesty, to tell him that he was acting like a Victim and constantly seeing himself as a Victim. This was never going to lead to better things.
Your subconscious mind and conscious mind can only focus on one thing at a time. By constantly focusing on bad stuff and negativity you are telling your subconscious mind that negativity is the most important thing to you. You are telling it to search out more of the same so it keeps finding the bad for you over and over … as that is what you have set as your priority! Change the setting!
If you start focusing on good enough, guess what happens? Your subconscious mind will start showing you more good things … as that is the new priority direction you have given it! There’s just too much going on in the world every single second of the day so it can’t possibly show you every single thing that’s good, bad and indifferent… instead it finds what you told it is the highest priority. At that moment my friend was spending every day giving full power to NEGATIVITY, THINGS TO MOAN ABOUT, BAD STUFF and NASTY PEOPLE, what else did he expect to find more of in the world??
Instead in life you need to focus on what you do want and go after it with the belief that it IS going to happen. This completely changes how you act (being seen as more positive / confident makes you more hire-able / likeable), it changes how you see situations (more open / flexible and seeing them as opportunities rather than challenges) which in turn makes you more appealing to everyone around you. You need to start believing in the good instead of being angry at the bad. You need to work on focusing on what can go right instead of what can go wrong. Work on gratitude for what you have, actually work hard to be thankful for where you are in life instead of dwelling on all the stuff that others have, that you don’t have or opportunities they’re getting that you aren’t.
You need to convince yourself things are good (self-talk / thinking – tell yourself everything will work out over and over). Get out of victim mode and convince your subconscious that you are a winner NOT a victim.
This may sound unrealistic to some but it works, you need to convince your subconscious that you are a relentless winner. That everything comes your way, that you get what you go after. If you are telling it now that everybody is against you, you will fail. Successful people everywhere know that their subconscious mind (part that does everything automatic for you and determines how you feel) is the key to success. You can program it in any way you want, as a victim by telling it that everybody is stopping you or as a winner by telling it everybody is pulling for you. How you program it determines how you see the world and how you approach every single situation and experience you face.
The tough truth I delivered was that my good friend was still seeing himself as a Victim. He was always happy to be angry that others get opportunities that “poor him” will never get. That belief, that anger towards others will never help him get what he deserves or wants. That had to stop and he knew it himself so agreed to work with me to turn this attitude and perspective around.
My friend thought that things were so bad he would only feel better by leaving his current job, I told him that isn’t the fix he needs. He just needed to change what he focused on in work! He enjoys his job but the frustrations over advancement and lack of support was all he focused on, all he gave power to, so he overlooked every single good part about his job. He was too busy prioritising the bad. Once he changes that, and it will take daily effort, he can replace that with a positive view of gratitude (for the good things about his job and the good people around him), happier habits and a new positive outlook … then all of a sudden the bad people will start to matter less and less.
As a start, I asked him to think about the GOOD things the company have done for him and find some of the GOOD people in it and how they’ve helped. I told him to list that down all that good and keep the list, adding to it every day. He needed a severe switch in perception of his working environment and that can easily be done by talking about the good stuff and being thankful for the opportunities that he had already received. That is just the beginning though, this has to be kept up for minimum of a month, every day, whilst also NOT getting involved in nasty gossiping or complaining. To make the effort to switch any negative conversations to the GOOD points about the situation or the person involved, instead of the bad.
I have examples on this that I shared, like one friend I had for years that kept going on about how unlucky he was and how bad things kept happening to him. These things would happen ALL the time and he was as angry about them as you could get … so obviously he kept finding more and more things to be angry about. He finally stopped and chilled a bit and it’s helped him so much.
Another guy I know used to complain to me every day about how unlucky he was, and he kept finding more things to see himself as unlucky over. Buses being late, awkward people in work, dropping stuff, making mistakes etc. One day I challenged him on it, to try thinking that things would work out better on a certain situation, and it actually helped him break the cycle! He got a couple of good breaks that day alone … because he was looking for good breaks, instead of desperately trying to find the bad ones.
You are what you focus on, you get what you truthfully expect to get so start to truly believe that good things are coming and you will be pleasantly surprised with what you find.
Taking time to count the good things about your life, your job, your partner, and your family will help you start to find the much needed positives in this world. You will start feeling amazing in a month instead of angry, miserable and frustrated. You just need to change what you talk about, what you give power to.
I am by no means perfect myself. I’ve only learned this myself by falling into the same traps over and over again … and sometimes I still do. But what I can promise you all is that any time I go back to these positives habits it brings better feelings and honestly, some amazing wonderful things. My downfall on occasions is that once I’m back to feeling normal and things are going great again I stupidly stop the positive habits, bad ones creep back in (because this is the world we live in) and I get caught back up in complaining, which leads to bad things.
I’ve learned the hard way and I know it’s hard for people to change but if you really do want to feel better and make things better for yourself you need to change what you feed your mind and what you focus on. These things I’m telling you to do today CAN and WILL help. If you just push yourself enough to try them and keep at them.
And as for my friend, well he encouraged me to share this advice so that it could help others and is currently feeling much more positive after a few days working through my basic daily coaching techniques.
Thanks for reading. If you have any feedback or comments I’d love to hear them.
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